Tagged: spilled ink
Displaced
I suffer alone
I suffer in silence
Not enough presence
not enough presence
i’m gone
i’m away
i’m thinking and restless
i’m far
I can’t stay in one spot
but i haven’t moved
the walls are the same but this isn’t a prison
I’m gasping
and trembling
I’m done, i’m finished
and not even started
I’m here but I can’t find me
I’m looking for everybody
I can find them
but there’s yet a glass to be punctured between us
I can see them
they can see me
but no one is touching anyone
at least not me
where are my three hugs a day
should I panhandle at the streets
my eyes are grey, they’re blank,
dry rock powder in my veins
not even pumping
i breathe and the air turns stale
my brain feels funny, like it’s swelled with emptiness
I’l grab a scooter and step on it
flee at full speed until it’s dark and I can’t see where the road is
probably will get me somewhere
but there I’ll still have to meet this feeling
I could chop it off
yet die
not about that
not suicidal
just drained
lost
wondering how and when the earth was thus displaced
right under my feet
I was just standing
how could I let it
shake me out of me
I’ll tip myself both ways and hear the rain
then maybe I’ll come back to where I haven’t left
sigh is the air i forgot I inhaled
when I lost ‘here’
Rambling, questioning about being a friend
Am I the friend I want you to be?
Are you the friend I want for me?
How does this work?
Lately I’ve been feeling cast aside
Not very much appraised
and very much ignored
Am I being a good listener?
Am I relating to you enough?
At what point in our interactions do you feel like you have filled your cup?
And decide I’m of no use to you any longer?
Does that sound right? Is my perception correct?
Am I giving without getting back?
Or is it just a delusion of my purple heart?
When I hear you and I see you and I give you my time
and I make you laugh and tell you pretty things, do I get back?
Am I completely wrong here?
Am I not seeing things as they are?
Why do I feel like I haven’t met the quota
of coolness?
Why would I tell myself that? Why would I believe it?
Why would I attack myself like there’s an enemy in me?
The things you make me think, you little devil
It’s time you shut your mouth and bring a human or an angel
Cause apparently I keep gravitating toward the wrong people
Or then again,
Maybe I’m just sad
Why wistful?
Wild Flower Fields by Carlinn of Superficial Girls
You’re sad because the past won’t come back to make you happy.
As though the past was the right and only source.
You think because the good times of the past are gone
you won’t be getting any good times now or in the future
As if your sippy cup had been emptied
by your unready lips, many tears ago.
But what made you think that as you grow wiser
and your understanding expands
that the universe would withhold new opportunities?
What made you wish, sad and wistful
that those joyful experiences
had come now that you’re more prepared to appreciate them?
How could you think that now that you are better,
And stronger, more evolved, and happier, and aware,
opportunities would cease to arise?
And good times were over
and happiness, unattainable?
That’s nonsense.
You’re smarter than that, silly girl
Why would you think that the fountain stopped flowing
just as you became ready to dip in your feet?
Why would the party be over, and the guests out on the street
right when you decided to start dancing?
Be steady, my darling
There is no need to fear
No chance will be missed when you’re looking
Open your eyes on your face, mind and heart
the beauty doesn’t hide, it loves to be seen
Just as then, so it’s now
Just as beautiful as you wish
What made you think it was over?
Whole-body shiver
Feeling the need to apologise
Thinking and re-thinking everything I’ve done
Was it wrong? How should I know?
Should I try or simply let everything flow?
Like on instinct, without a plan
shrugging my worries off
Did I wash it? Did I turn everything off?
Is it going to hurt me if I don’t do this obsessive thing before?
Such a complicated way of living
Why not be carefree and just roll?
Like my brother, I could learn a lot from him
Brushing off what doesn’t work with him
not being as gullible as I’ve learned to do
You know, accepting everything as a possibility, not knowing where to draw a line
Believing everything, good or not that rad
No wonder such stress burdens my heart at times
*Whole-body-shiver* thinking about anxiety
“Just leave me alone!”
Peace would be a nice gift
Life, just send me some
Secrets
Count them now
How many secrets are you keeping today?
How long have you told nobody?
Why do you insist on keeping it this way?
Why the fear of keeping it in the dark?
In the hidden drawer that nobody sees
It’s just a scale
Easy to explain it
right?
Pride, no hate
open love, all are equal
Why still a secret to this day?
What do you think it feels like?
What do you think it feels like
to have it all and then nothing
to have it all and then wake up
from the dream
How do you think it feels?
To wake up in a lively city
and walk her streets night and day
get embraced by every wisp of air
Feel the ground as you step purposefully
to a new adventure
every day
How do you think it feels to know it will all end yet still enjoy it
or enjoy it because you know it will end
and then it does
How do you think it feels
To be everyday surrounded by the blessings that the universe has heard you pray for
rain it all on you
have your thoughts and mental process change because the beauty
around you
is well above enough
beyond
and then poof
it’s all a memory
How does it feel?
To have it all exist only in your amygdala
as a file stored away
for posterity
How does it feel?
Just like cold soup when you crave a warm broth
or like sour grapes that looked so plump and juicy
like a plastic oreo cookie from the fridge
just like a cocktail that you salivate for on a sunny day
only to try it, hoping for fresh, thirst quenching sweetness,
and get insipid sock water instead
Just a Passenger
I’m okay with just being a passenger
of the jumbo jet giving me a ride
through life
I’m okay with listening passively
to the travelers yapping by my side
all is well
I’ll get my turn
And one day I’ll power my own engine
soar my very own aircraft across the sky
In the meantime I’m fine
getting my complimentary service
in coach
I will move upward to first class
and then sit in the airplane’s nose
leading a whole bunch of encouraging companions
with my ideas, and emotions and thoughts
In the meantime I relax, and get comfy
and enjoy
Look out the window, take a nap, and just enjoy
the ride will be ever changing
ever better
forward and on
Why must the sadness?
Why must the sadness
enter our world?
In waves, and in flashes
in violent mobs
In booms, shock explosions
In families torn
Why must the sadness fracture the world?
It pains me to feel I can’t do anything
Then you shake me as to see that’s untrue
Thousands of helpers help comfort the wounded
Then we all look up and there’s the sun high up
Earth doesn’t stop moving even when it hurts
For there’s plenty of good left in humanity
A vast & stronger majority
that cares enough to keep believing
resilient & unyielding,
all eager to perpetuate love
Back outside
Where the comfort’s left behind
And the effort leads me somewhere
Am I pouring too much out?
Is it gonna help me conquer?
Is this the right amount?
What’s the line between putting yourself out there
and going overboard?
How do people get to know you?
Desperation for human contact
could it lead to unpleasant affairs?
Not with the right mindset
I hear a voice in my head say
Plunging without fear
Diving in with courage
Jump and the net will appear
Dare and the dark clouds will clear
And before my drive disappears
I’ll be holding on to something
sacred and valuable lessons I learned
And the Great One pats my head and my back
He’d been rooting for me all along
Even when I felt like I was losing track
Even in the worst of an anxiety attack
I needed to just listen, and calm down
Good Thing’s always on its way to me
Love is not Overly Attached Girlfriend Meme
Love does not mean a restrictive binding
Love is ‘I care’
Love means ‘I treasure you’
Love is ‘I wish you happiness, my dear’.
Love is not to be feared
or rejected
Love is to be felt and shared and lived
Love is what fills & it never hurts
Love is to breathe easy and to wish all beings good
Love is not to be dodged or escaped from
Love is a blessing, not a curse.
Love is there and here and it’ll help you,
comfort you, and protect you.
In love and with love
you’re free.
A Lotus Grows in the Mud 